he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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