The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
