my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
