We're facebook friends in real life
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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