I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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