i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
