i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
