Only a mothe r could love this liver
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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