guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
