So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
