You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
are you so shy because you have an std?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
me + whiskey = a bad person
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I did not marry a roomba.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
