my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
