Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
