I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
