I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
