So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
