he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The Olympian is in my bed
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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