talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just forgot I was standing up.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm like, not good at living.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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