Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
