She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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