Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
