I seem to have left my pride at pride
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
