I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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