the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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