my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
