omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
