me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
