Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
