I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So many bounce houses so little time
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
