My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
