I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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