I wish I could teleport
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
