i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
