i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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