You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
