Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
