I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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