I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We talked him into tasing himself.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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