Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We left an ass print on the piano.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
