Your face is a jimmy john
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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