Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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