She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
