i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
