dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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