just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
do herpes really smell.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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