I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
