Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
