He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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