i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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