I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
