I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
