oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
